kcuhC.com: The Adventures of Moooonica

Enjoy the daily adventures of Moooonica and her friends.
Moooonica is Copyright by Charles R. Hague June 2002.
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The most recent adventure is on the top, to read the adventure in order, read from the bottom up.

10/19/2003	Farmer brown, the tireless tinkerer, had equipped his chipper with a reverse option. Quickly he pulled a large blanket from one of the horse stalls and using his "sew-o-matic" attached several cords to it. Each of our gang grabbed onto a cord as Farmer Brown confidently switched the switch from "Suck" to "Blow" and our gang followed Cluck into the UFO.
1/31/2003 10:01:43 PM	Watching from a distance, our gang watched an assortment of UFO’s swarming over Farmer Brown’s cornfield. After a few moments they all climbed into the loft of the barn and looked at the field, much to their surprise there were not any crop circles! Instead there were crop Octagonals! “Like, look dudes!” Gunther shouted… “Crop Octagonals!” Moooonica looked on the field, uninterested and instead wondered why Cluck was floating towards one of the UFO’s.
11/26/2002 8:16:33 AM	A few nights later, our gang was gathered outside the barn looking at the brilliant night sky. “So where do you think the holey bale is?” Farmer Brown asked Moooonica as Cluck began snoring and the Guard Ducks played tag with Gunther, who didn’t really want to play. Moooonica dramatically pointed her hoof towards the sky and proclaimed, “There!” Not looking where Moooonica indicated, he clarified, “In space? In the stars?” Moooonica’s reply was unnecessary as a bright flash of light filled the sky – waking Cluck from a wondrous dream involving worms. A deep crackle seemed to electrify the air. The vibration caused the barn door to open. Gunther looked to Farmer Brown and simply said, “Like, dude, your barn door is open.
11/18/2002 1:25:00 PM	“As it turns out,” Moooonica began, “It was a misunderstanding. I was looking for the ‘holey bale’, what I found was a religious bail bondsman, named Frank.” Gunther chimed in, “Like, that must have been totally embarrassing!” “To the max, Gunther, to the max.” Moooonica added. “So where’s the ‘Holey Bale’?” Farmer Brown asked. “That,” Moooonica proclaimed in her best announcer voice, “Is another adventure.”
11/18/2002 1:19:24 PM	“So the whole time we were at the crash site looking for you,” Cluck began, “You were stuck up in the tree looking down at us?” Moooonica paused only slightly before answering, “Yes, but I knew that I needed to finish the journey on my own.” Farmer Brown, his milk supply replenished, greedily gulped the whole milk generously supplied by his favorite bovine. The Guard Ducks, unable to contain their curiosity asked in unison, “So, did you find the holy bail?.” Moooonica smiled as she began to moo the answer to the ever-so-elementary inquiry…
11/16/2002 3:51:07 PM	Sitting around the dinner table, Farmer Brown passed the corn to Cluck while Gunther reluctantly passed a plate of uncooked snails to the Guard Ducks. Moooonica reluctantly picked at her hamburger.
11/15/2002 8:38:33 AM	Several weeks passed and everyone had pretty much returned to normal, with the possible exception of Herbert who clinged a little too tightly to his feminine side. Jonathan, overcompensating for his friend began to “butch-up” both in clothing and by use of a Bowflex and Thymaster. Cluck assisted Farmer Brown in melting his alcohol thus making it less hard, and easier to consume. Gunther, having returned from the dance troop was considering serious offers from Paramount to star in the up-coming film, “The Penguin Who Knew Too Much”.
11/14/2002 12:31:21 PM	Back on the farm, Cluck’s feathers filled in nicely. Healing faster as he periodically pecked an effigy of Mable. The Guard Ducks, seeking therapy for their failure to protect Moooonica were coming to grips with their feminine side. Farmer Brown, essentially milkless began drinking hard alcohol instead. Gunther, touring with a penguin dance troop was expected back on the farm in a few weeks. Immediately after they all gathered at the bus crash Moooonica smiled from above, glad all (but Mable) had survived.
11/6/2002 12:42:53 PM	Two days of searching didn’t turn up Moooonica, or even a body. “Like, she must have been vaporized in the explosion.” Gunther uttered, adding “Bummer.” with a down-turned beak. “Well, that about sums up our search for the Holy Bail.” Farmer Brown added as he made arrangements for their collective return to the farm – they all missed the dairy air. “I wonder” the Guard Ducks quacked in unison, “could this be the end of ‘The Adventures of Moooonica’?” The gang grew silent as they came to grasp with the real possibility that they too may have been blasted in the fiery explosion.
10/21/2002 2:12:39 PM	The resulting explosion was nothing short of spectacular. After the dust settled upon the strewn wreckage our gang gathered together in a group. Cluck called for roll call, beginning he clucked “One.” The singed Guard Ducks quacked “Two. Three.” Farmer Brown chimed in, “Four.” Gunther added “Like, five.” There was a silence, which was eventually broken by the Guard Ducks… “Well, we hate to mention this, but we saw Mable hit a tree, and I don’t think she’ll be counting anytime soon.” Cluck swallowed hard, but his feather-growing cells cheered with delight. After a stunned additional silence everyone came to the realization that Moooonica had not been accounted for.
10/19/2002 10:02:28 AM	Cluck looked sadly at Mable as she guiltily let the feather in her beak fall. Reflecting back on his anger management classes he finally decided that violence was not the answer to life’s problems. It was, however, the answer to this problem. With all his might he winged Mable. Meanwhile on the roof of the bus, the Guard Ducks were congratulating themselves on saving everyone on the bus. Just about then they saw Mable propelled at a high velocity. She splattered into a gooey mess on the side of a tree leaving behind a giant cloud of loose flying chicken feathers.
10/17/2002 1:04:07 PM	The ever-so-dangerous loblolly pine needle compass sat between the Guard Ducks. Herbert and Jonathan saw Cluck’s feather floating toward the bowl at the same time. They waddled into action! Jonathan threw himself on top of the grenade as Herbert flapped wildly to direct the floating feather away from the bus. Seeing others were following he quacked as loud as he could… “She loves you not!”. Awaken suddenly from his deep sleep, Cluck awoke to find Mable mid-pluck.
10/16/2002 8:31:02 AM	For reasons unknown to him, Gunther began to feel a tremendous dread, similar to when the dentist is poised above your open mouth with a drill and he says, “here we go!”. From the corner of his eye, he saw Moooonica enter the bathroom on the bus. Farmer Brown, near the front of the bus, was driving the bus driver insane with conversation. Loosely a few of Cluck’s feather escaped Mable’s beak and she slyly looked around to see if anybody was watching. Feathers floated out the window of the bus, as feathers do. Off in the distance a dog barked as the bus continued the dangerous trek up the mountain toward the ‘City of Hope’.
9/12/2002 7:31:37 AM	As the bus drove through the narrow mountain pass, the Guard Ducks filled a bowl with pure water from a small water cascade near the roof of the bus. Meanwhile, inside the bus Cluck nervously fell off to sleep while Mable adjusted her angle of attack. Herbert, one of the Guard Ducks, carefully plucked a loblolly pine needle from a branch that nearly thwacked Jonathan – the other Guard Duck. “Great!” they said in unison. “Now we’ll at least know where we’re going.” Somewhere deep in Cluck’s dream the whispered words, “She loves me, she loves me not…” were strong enough to faintly escape his beak.
9/12/2002 7:25:10 AM	Mostly loblolly pine needles are not considered dangerous because if you consider all the things on Earth that appear threatening or dangerous, a loblolly pine needle has none of those characteristics – except of course that everyone knows that a loblolly pine needle, if put in a bowl of pure water will virtually always point to the north. I say virtually because there is only one exception to this well known factoid…the close proximity of loose floating chicken feathers. The presence of loose floating chicken feathers can change this otherwise bulky but accurate compass into a lethal material second only to C4 in explosive power (although this sub-factoid has not been scientifically explained – or confirmed).
8/18/2002 3:46:23 PM	Few things can be considered constants in life. Among them, Pi, liberal defense of Bill Clinton and Hillary, tornadoes striking trailer parks, Earthquakes in California, and bus crashes in India. Keenly aware of this, the Guard Ducks sat on the roof of the bus staying “frosty” so as to not miss any danger. But dangers are often not what they appear. 30 foot dragons spewing flames like a frat boy spewing his stomach contents 30 minutes into a beer bash – now that’s a danger. But dangers are rarely seen as a simple needle from a loblolly pine.
8/15/2002 8:28:35 AM	[We now enter Cluck’s psychedelic dream sequence] “She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not…” whispered in the background as dozens of hens pluck feathers from Cluck. In the background Moooonica can be seen greedily eating hamburgers – looking around to see if anybody is watching. Farmer brown is dancing around wearing nothing but his belt slapping a tambourine. The guard ducks, dressed in tight leather outfits are goose-stepping around slapping Gunther on the beak with their leather riding crops. Gunther is just repeating over and over, “Wow! That like really hurts…to the max!” Mable – dressed in white down feathers sits upon a chair carried by people looking exactly like Richard Nixon. Her lips are moving to the gentle whisper… “…she loves me not…”
8/9/2002 10:45:49 AM	Almost out of money, discouraged and frustrated in their latest setback on their search for the Holy Bail, our gang spends most of their remaining cash on bus tickets to go to the ancient Indian ‘City of Hope’. “It seems that most people I’ve talked to believe we’ll find the Holy Bail in the ‘City of Hope’.” Mable said simply. “Seems like, most people I’ve conversed with,” Gunther finally spoke, “Think my shirt and shades are like, totally cool.” Moooonica smiled as she reported that most people fell to their knees as she approached. The Guard Ducks said nothing as they positioned themselves on the roof-rack for the certain-to-be-unpleasant bus ride. Farmer Brown struck up conversation with the bus driver as Cluck nervously sat next to Mable looking forward to taking a brief nap.
7/31/2002 4:44:44 PM	Awakening from a deep sleep, with dreams involving mooing cows, Cluck arose and drank water from a small pond. He couldn’t help but notice that he was missing a few more feathers. Nervous that he was a victim of Rooster Pattern Baldness, he fluffed remaining feathers out so as to hide his concern. Moooonica was the first to realize that Marcus was gone, and him was their best hope to find the Holy Bail. Farmer brown noticed some loose feathers floating around Mable’s nest that looked suspiciously like Cluck’s. The guard ducks whispered between each other that it appeared that Cluck was losing his feathers. Concerned of his lack of lines recently, Gunther grunted.
7/11/2002 7:44:32 AM	Eventually the last of our gang fell off to sleep. Marcus just grinned and slipped back into his tiny mouse outfit. The Wholly Cow made his quiet escape.
7/7/2002 8:54:42 AM	“Long ago, in a mysterious land,” Marcus began, “I met an old man, his name was Mac Donald. He had a farm. When visiting, I heard a moo-moo here, a moo-moo there, and before I knew it, I heard mooing everywhere.” Moooonica was transfixed as the tiny cow mooed out the story. “Old Mac Donald explained to me the circle of life, and that by eating a burger you become part of the whole.” Mable sat listening to the story, disinterested, all the while wondering if she and cluck could work out their growing problems. As Marcus went on-and-on-and-on-and-on, the Guard Ducks began to doze off, into a land of bliss frequented by scantily feathered ducks.
6/24/2002 3:44:44 PM	Farmer Brown agreed that Marcus was not what he appeared to be. In a dramatic ninja like move Farmer Brown snapped off the Lee Press On Tail, and uncovered, of all things, a tail. But this was not the tail of a mouse, but of a cow! Everyone stared in shock at the tiny mouse-sized cow. Breaking the awkward silence, Moooonica said, "Well, I'd rather be a holstein than a halfstein." Marcus simply looked annoyed. "Ok, well I suppose you all want an explanation…"
6/19/2002 4:25:24 PM	“No.” adding, “But I know the Holy Cow, and I know he wants you to proceed to the palace.” Marcus adjusted his tail self-consciously and suggested they hurry on their journey. Cluck, Mable and the Under Cover Guard Ducks looked at each other wondering if they had already found the Holy Cow. Under further examination it appeared that Marcus’ tail was in fact a Lee Press-On Tail. Fearful of what the others would think of this discovery they consulted Farmer Brown for his advice.
6/18/2002 3:48:01 PM	So, blaa blaa blaa… lengthy and difficult journey…blaa blaa blaa. Someone did this, someone else said that…blaa blaa blaa… then Moooonica turned in shock at the tall and skinny cow and shouted, “So you’re the Holy Cow?!” To which the tall and skinny cow quietly and solemnly replied…
6/17/2002 8:22:52 AM	Off in the distance a palace could be seen, our gang decided this is where they must go if they wanted to find the Holy Cow. The first individual they came across was a tall and skinny cow. "Hello," Moooonica greeted, "We're looking for the Holy Cow." as she gestured toward the palace. The tall and skinny cow nodded and simply said, “Follow me then” and he began walking toward the palace. Cluck, Mable and the Under Cover Guard Ducks looked at each other wondering if they had already found the Holy Cow. (So much for building suspense, thanks birdbrains.)
6/14/2002 6:48:37 PM	Now, after a 15 year wait…the adventure continues! Once again a triumphant MOOOooooo will be heard! But first, I want to share a brief poem written for Moooonica by another co-worker (Lynda Stroud) on May 17, 1990, it is as follows: Ode to a Stockton Jersey With eyes that melt the hearts of men; A face for which all others yen; A figure that is like no others; A voice as gentle as your mothers; In awesome wonder all beauties bow; To Moooonica, Moooonica Chuck Hague’s cow.
6/14/2002 6:48:29 PM	As everyone feared the sharks arrived. So thick, in fact, that everyone was able to run across their backs to safety on the land! While Farmer Brown tried to calculate their position, Gunther simply read the sign, “Welcome to India”. Moooonica told everyone about the wise one who they must speak with, yes, the Holy Cow would know where the Holy Bail was!
6/14/2002 6:48:23 PM	Each of the ultra lights ran until they had no more fuel, then dropped into the bitter cold ocean like maggots falling from a dead baby bird in a tree (Thank you Uncle Fred’s School of Writing). Once in the ocean, panic began to rise because of sharks! Moooonica calmed all but one when she pointed out that sharks are MAN eaters. Da Daaa Da Daaa Da Daaa…
6/14/2002 6:48:15 PM	Finishing the right wing, Cluck announced he would work on the landing gear after they landed. Sputter! Sputter! “Hummmm, looks like we are out of fuel” Marcus noted. Mable rushed everyone to the spare plane only to discover the 747 was also out of fuel. “Quick!” Moooonica shouted, “Everyone to the ultra lights!” Soon the sky was filled with tiny planes.
6/14/2002 6:48:07 PM	No. Having escaped from the snarl of mooberry bushes, Moooonica insisted they leave the island immediately. Cluck said he could finish the work in flight. Once in the air, the ominous voice came over the speakers! “Hehehe! I am here!” boomed the voice. Mable looked near the main intercom and saw…and saw…(hey, remain calm, it’s just a story…) she saw a tiny mouse! “Marcus, the name’s Marcus” said the tiny white mammal. Cluck announced that the left wing was almost complete.
6/14/2002 6:47:58 PM	The guard ducks tested out the runway, but neglected their primary duty – to protect Moooonica! Through their failure, Moooonica had disappeared! It would seem that a complete search was in order, so they broke up into groups. The guard ducks, Cluck & Mable, Farmer Brown and Gunther. Had she been captured by the owner of the terrifying voice?!
6/14/2002 6:47:50 PM	While mid-way through the construction of the plane, our gange awoke to a terrifying voice! “Yo! (echo, echo, echo) Get off my island or meet your doom!” The deep echoing voice sounded like thunder, striking fear into the very hearts of our travelers. It would seem the plane might have to fly sooner than planned – while the construction was still underway!
6/14/2002 6:47:43 PM	Farmer Brown was able to pinpoint (within a 50% margin of error) which hemisphere they were in – the Southern Hemisphere. The Under Cover Guard Ducks searched the island and found it rich in resources. Moooonica said that they should build a plane. It would have to be large enough to carry everyone, their supplies, survive storms, travel thousands of miles…
6/14/2002 6:47:34 PM	After weeks of boring travel with no activity worth mentioning, there was a sudden jolt! A flash of light lit the night sky! A deafening crash filled the air! The natives swam off in stark terror! Adjective! Adjective! Adjective!… Crawling up onto the beach, our frightened gang realized what could happen if people lost interest in “The Adventures of Moooonica!”
6/14/2002 6:47:26 PM	Moooonica asked Gunther if this was his pirate ship. “Like gag me with an ice cube! My yacht was sunk shortly after I packed my case and hid on this tub.” Gunther responded. “My God!” Farmer Brown exclaimed, “Not only is he a Valley Penguin, he’s a Yuppi Valley Penguin – a very rare species to say the least!” Gunther just sat back and grinned.
6/14/2002 6:47:19 PM	On the final search of the ship, Moooonica’s discovery had the entire gang gathered around. Laying under a sun lap, wearing expensive sun glasses and blinding Hawaiian shorts was a penguin. “It’s a penguin!” Farmer Brown shouted. “Fur Sure. Name’s Gunther.” Said the penguin. “It’s a Valley Penguin!” Cried Farmer Brown. “And he’s personable.” Noted Cluck
6/14/2002 6:47:11 PM	“At least we’re all safe.” Said Mable. Knowing morning would soon arrive, Moooonica called for a thorough search of the pirate ship. Not long into the search, Mable found an item of interest – a map! Everyone was sure it was a treasure map, which is why everyone was so disappointed when Farmer Brown announced it was merely a map of downtown Pittsburg, California.
6/14/2002 6:46:59 PM	While Roger was explaining what the pirates wanted, the guard ducks cut all power to the ship! In the confusion that followed all of our gang piled into the pirate ship and silently slipped away! Farmer Brown was sorry he did not have time to grab the cash – he was lucky to think to grab the Ohmygod’s Self Destruct Remote Control. Boom.
6/14/2002 6:46:50 PM	“HaHaHa! Turning around, Moooonica saw a man – dressed as a clown, and wearing a patch over both eyes. “Who are you?” Moooonica inquired. “My name is Roger, but I’ll ask the questions! HaHaHa!” the strange man replied. “Gosh,” Moooonica said, “you sure are jolly, Roger.” Soon Roger had everyone but the hiding Under Cover Guard Ducks gathered in the 5,008 seat theater.
6/14/2002 6:46:40 PM	The natives called battle stations! The guard ducks sat in the anti-aircraft gun shacks, Farmer Brown took the helm, Cluck & Mable finished up their honeymoon. Moooonica noticed that in the commotion the Jolly Roger was already tied up on the side of the Ohmygod! “They might already be on board” Moooonica thought. Suddenly from behind her, Moooonica heard…
6/14/2002 6:46:33 PM	Just before sunset one night a few days into their voyage, a Jolly Roger was spotted! At first the guard ducks thought the pirate ship had not yet seen them, then there was a flash of sunlight off a blade of a helicopter on Heliport #6. Soon the Jolly Roger was in obvious pursuit. It was going to be a long and scary night.
6/14/2002 6:46:24 PM	Everyone’s effort led to the early completion of the modest craft. Cluck & Mable rushed to the honeymoon suite while Moooonica rested in the pool. The Under Cover Guard Ducks went ice-skating on deck 18 while Farmer Brown hid away the cash from the bank. The good ship, “Ohmygod” was now headed for India where the Holy Bail Awaits!
6/14/2002 6:46:16 PM	Building a boat preempted Cluck & Mable’s honeymoon. It would need to be a sturdy craft, one that could hold our gang, their supplies, survive storms, travel thousands of miles, and have a honeymoon suite, shuffle board court, satellite dish, swimming pool, bar…
6/14/2002 6:46:08 PM	While the gang was learning about the “Holy Bail” from the ever-so-friendly natives, Cluck had discovered the hen house – where he met his precious Mable. At the brief ceremony, Moooonica served as witness and Farmer Brown was the only/best man. While the guard ducks carried Mable’s train, they spoke of the Holy Bail.
6/14/2002 6:45:55 PM	Boom. Boom. A wild frenzy of drums greeted our drenched gang as they crawled onto the beach. Farmer Brown looked up to find a tribe of natives standing over them! Fortunately the natives were friendly, and provided breakfast. A smile cracked its way across Cluck’s beak – he knew someone must have laid these eggs!
6/14/2002 6:45:44 PM	Moooonica could see the first class passengers descend onto the deck of an ocean liner, however the wind had changed direction and our gang was headed for the gloomy island to the south. Cluck was complaining about Farmer Brown’s weight while Farmer Brown complained about Cluck’s grip.
6/14/2002 6:45:14 PM	Moooonica quickly explained her plan to her friends. A voice came from the back of the plane: “Hey! Would you please shut up, I’m trying to watch the movie!” Moooonica took the Under Cover Guard Duck’s ‘cover’ and parachuted; the guard ducks and cluck seized Farmer Brown and leapt to safety!
6/14/2002 6:45:00 PM	Moooonica, Cluck, Farmer Brown, and the Under Cover Guard Ducks watched the last of the first class passengers jump to safety. The captain restarted the movie for those coach passengers who, foolishly, did not think to pack a parachute.
6/14/2002 6:44:50 PM	Suddenly the movie stopped, the lights came up, and the captain announced: “all first class passengers will find a parachute under their seats – this would be a good time to put them to use. Those passengers flying coach should next time try the train.
6/14/2002 6:44:41 PM	Squawk! Quack! Bam! Bang! Whap! Then there was a triumphant “MOOOooooooo!” With help from Moooonica’s Under Cover Guard Ducks, Moooonica regained control of the situation. From the back of the plane came a shout, “Hey, you up there! Shut up! I’m trying to watch the movie!”
6/14/2002 6:44:26 PM	Moooonica leapt up, ran to the bathroom, opened the door, and seized the case from the man! It was obvious the case contained a bomb (mainly because of the note on the side: “Handle With Care – Bomb Enclosed”). What Moooonica failed to consider was an accomplice! The second man stood, took the bomb, and pointed a gun a Moooonica!
6/14/2002 6:44:13 PM	…shirt. Sitting on Farmer Brown’s potbelly, Cluck fell quickly asleep. Shortly after take-off, the movie started (“The Cows of Brazil”). Cluck awoke and began watching the movie through a hole in Farmer Brown’s checker shirt. Cluck saw a strange looking man enter the bathroom…with a case!
6/14/2002 5:21:22 PM	Moooonica casually strode to the ticket counter and paid for the tickets. A slight pause while Farmer Brown emptied his pockets at the X-ray machine, then onto the plane! Since pets were not allowed, Cluck had to hide in Farmer Brown's…
6/14/2002 5:19:35 PM	Moooonica's poor choice of words ("put it all in a bag") left the bank with no cash, and Moooonica with more than she expected. Farmer Brown soon figured out what happened and explained to the rest of the group. However, as Cluck explained, "It ain't no chicken feed!", so they kept the cash and proceeded to the airport.
6/14/2002 5:16:08 PM	Packing all their personal items, Moooonica, Cluck and Farmer Brown set off to the bank to empty Moooonica's savings account to pay for their trip to India. Squeezed tightly into Cluck's Spider Convertible, off they went!
6/14/2002 5:14:48 PM	Around the end of 1987 I was working for Computer Task Group in Pittsburg, California. I had found a very realistic looking cow that I named Moooonica. It was, of all things, a pen holder. Sitting on my desk, Moooonica became a constant point of conversation. One day – a very boring day – I wrote the first episode of Moooonica’s adventure. After a few days of doing this it became a daily ritual for people to come by my desk to find out the latest chapter. In one episode Moooonica mysteriously disappears then reappears. This is because someone kidnapped her (for almost a week) and left a ransom tape. Ultimately I was reunited with Moooonica (with great relief) but not long after the entire group was laid-off. There were 29 original episodes of the Adventures of Moooonica. So now, fifteen years later, the adventure continues!

Location: Stockton, California | Established: June 6, 1987 | Phone: (209) 943-1880 (multiline) | Modem: 300 through 28.8K | Fido Node: 1:208/205

Sysop: Charles R. Hague, "kcuhC" | Co-Sysop: Ardeen L. Hague, "deene"